Tears before the sun shines

I must say it has been a really long time since I blogged.  I think I have kept away because I didn't want to have my real feelings out. I feel like I am in a better place. My hurt and frustration with myself is mostly gone. Some of you maybe like, "What?"

Soon after I had Nora I felt like I needed to have another baby. After much praying and fasting and thought my husband and I were on the same page. The fear of what others would think and how we were going to afford one, etc came to mind, but we knew it was God's will.  I became pregnant soon after.  Once I did the fears and reality of having to tell people was real. I began to brace myself for the thoughts of others forgetting I knew I was to listen to what the Lord wanted for my family.  I had just gotten to the point where I could be ok with being pregnant and that it did not really matter what others thought when I lost my baby.

I didn't realize how much it hurt until I became numb to the world around me. I pretended that everything was alright. I wasn't. I was so alone. Which was ok. I wanted to talk about it, but I also didn't. I was in too much pain. My body hurt. It hurt that I could not stop my body from killing my baby. Had I wished it away? Was I not worthy enough to have it? Had I done something wrong? I was in so much physical pain and mental pain. I could not do anything. I just lied on my bed it the dark holding my 10 month old baby. Half holding her. Half not wanting to be near her. I didn't know who I was anymore. I was so alone. I was so angry. Angry at myself, the world, with God.  I was hurt.

One of the days I was so angry I just started yelling at God. Why did he allow me to get pregnant just to lose my baby. Why did he take it away? I received the most beautiful response. It was like a dream. The feeling was so peaceful and immediate. I have felt this feeling before just a handful of times in my life. I am so blessed to have felt it more than once. I do not wish to share more of this part because it is so sacred to me. I just knew I was going to be ok and that I was not truly alone.

I began to be a little bit better. But not who I used to be. I began to pull away from a lot of things I loved including my children. I started to loose myself in my work and house work. I felt safer there. NO one could hurt me there. I say this because I did open up a few times to people about what happened. I did not want people to pity me nor did I want people to be so openly hurtful.  Sometimes people aren't as sensitive as they need to be. Well maybe I should say as I needed them to be.

There was a woman who I would watch her kids for her while she went to the Dr. She was pregnant and I thought I could share what happened to me with her. First thing she said to me was, "It is because of your age."  Not I am sorry or anything. I was so taken back. I was only 29 years old.  I did my best to not be rude. It took me a long time to talk about it again.  What hurt was people close to me would say something like,  "oh, yeah your miscarriage." This hurt do bad. I know it was not meant to hurt me, but it did. So I chose not to talk about it at all. That pregnancy meant a lot. I know it doesn't make sense because there are parts of it I choose not to share. It is too special for me. I don't want someone to say something that will down play or destroy my feelings and experience.

I have tried to share my story with others just to be cut off and made to feel like a fool for sharing it.  I won't allow it. Sounds dumb, but it hurts to much. I don't want to go back to the dark place I was.  I have come a long way. I was so sick, mentally sick after my lose. For a year I could not get pregnant when before it just happened. I was broken. I could no longer get pregnant. It may seem like I had no patients, but when something happens so naturally and suddenly, "NOTHING!" It was hard for me. That whole year trying to get pregnant was awful. I began to slip further into my world. Trying desperately to be who I was and knowing I could not be her again. I could not talk about it with anyone. When I did I felt so dumb. Why could I not just stop being depressed and enjoy the family I did have? Why was I not more grateful? It was not that easy. I cannot explain why I could not. I wanted to so badly. I wanted it more than anything. I think a part of me wanted to show Heavenly Father that I was going to listen to him and have a baby. If I did it would show I listened. I knew that was not true. I knew he loved me no matter what. It was this illogical part of brain telling me such a stupid thing.

One year later I got pregnant. I was excited, but I didn't want to be. What if I lost it? What if......? I remember I was playing with my kids. I felt and heard a loud pop. I stopped what I was doing when I heard a voice in my head say. "You just lost your baby." I tried not to panic or cry in front of my kids I quickly got up. I started bleeding. I started crying. This time I was prepared for the physical pain. This time I pretended that it did not matter. I was told playing with my kids did not make me loose the baby. I don't know. All I know is what happened and how I felt. I was again truly hurt. I had no time to "care."

The Lord heard my cries and I tried to do what I was supposed to. Two month later I became pregnant again. I was so excited, scared, anxious. We did not tell anybody until I was almost 16 weeks along. I did not want anyone to know. I did not want to explain what happened if I lost this one. I worried about losing him all the way up until he was here. I wanted more than anything to have another little boy. I had waited 3 years for him. I had been hear broken, broken, a mess physically and mentally for 3 years. I never wanted to admit it, but I feel like I finally can. I feel like I need to so I can heal.

My kids lost there mom for 3 years. I don't know how they survived. I was in so much pain. I was so unbalanced. So out of my mind. So not who I wanted to be. I wanted to be the woman I was before I lost my first baby. I was not prepared for it. No one ever is. No one ever should be. It was by far the most foul thing to happen to me so far. The physical and emotional pain was overpowered me. I don't know why, but it did.  When I think about it my grief comes back and I sit and cry. I wonder about my baby. What would our family be like? What would I have been like? What would I be like? Would I be a better mom?

Being a mom is the most beautiful thing I could have done. I miss just being a mom. I hate being a mom who is depressed. I have nothing to be depressed about, right? I have four healthy beautiful children. I love and adore them. But would I be better had I not lost my baby? Why can't I be the mom I was?

I will say that writing this post has helped me heal. Heal the part of me that needed to get this out of me. I will still have days that take me to that dark place I was in. Every time I realize I am there I stop and think of that mom I was before my lose. I want to be her. I may never be able to be her, but I need to get back to being her as close as I can. My children deserve her. I deserve to be her. I want to be just a mom. Mom who sits and plays with her kids. I want to be the mom I never had when I was a little girl.

I remember I just wanted a mom to play with me. I wanted a mom to brush my hair. I wanted a mom to hold me tight and tell me she loved me. I wanted a mom to sing me to sleep. I wanted a mom to love me. I always wondered why mom did not love me enough to stay. I never wanted my children to feel that way. Sometimes I feel like I am like my real mother. Not there for her kids, even though I am right here. I think that has been the hardest thing for me as I struggle with my depression. Being the person I most don't want to be like. I never thought this before. I never realized how much not having a mom as a little girl made me feel. I just always pretended it did not matter. My dad was enough.  I had a childhood unlike most people. That story is for another blog post.

I will say that I have had great women try to fill that void in my life. I have my dad who was a wonderful single father. He went to all my sports activities, taught me to be independent and strong willed, and taught me I could do anything I wanted. He is the reason I love history, photography, art, museums, my Heavenly Father, and the value of hard work.  I had my grandmother who taught me imagination, hard work, laughter, and love. My step-mother or my mom, who I got when I was 14 almost 15. She taught me how it was to court someone. I loved watching her and my dad court each other as they were newly weds. She taught me how to be a girl when I was so used to being a girl dude. Then there is my Aunt Debbie who showed me some great times. She taught me about music and theater. Gram who taught me the love for animals and when to just sit and laugh. My Aunt Deborah taught me love from family. She taught me to craft and be good. My mother-in-law who has taught me friendship, kindness, to be bold, generosity, and love for others. I have been surrounded by great mothers. Some who I wish I could be more like. I know these women and more unnamed have made me the woman I am. I know that I am better because of them.

I also know that time has mended my heart and will continue to do so.  I know I will be who I was and eve better. I know this because I feel it. I know God has not left me alone. Even I the moments when I have doubted him, he is still there. He has never left me. Even though I may struggle I know I will be ok. I am not perfect. I will try to be ok with that =0)

I have been wanting to blog for a while. Well maybe not really blog, but I have been wanting to write down my feelings for a while. I just kept putting it off. I was not ready to. I feel like my heart is mending I can heal. I can move forward. The blocks in my path a being moved. I am grateful that they are. My burden was heavy to carry. I feel like I no longer am carrying it alone. I never had, but I am willing now to share my most inner thoughts and it feels so good to get it out. I feel free. Free feels good.

Thoughts

I was sitting on the bus today.  This was one of those rare moments when my children were silent and starring out the window.  I was keeping an eye on them, each in different parts of the bus (not far from me, but enough for me to keep an eye on them).  I noticed a couple behind James. They were darling together.

They were an older couple.  He was whispering in her ear.  She smiled and nodded.  There was love.  You could feel that they were happy.  They were real groomed.  I thought I hope when Adam and I reach their age that we will look like them.  I began to wonder what they looked like as teens and as children.  I looked over at James who smiled at me.  I imagined the man as a boy.  I began to imagine James as a teen and as a man.  I hoped that he would still have that smile he flashed at me moments before.

My eyes than turned to the man in front of me.  He was an older man.  Age was written on his face, hands, and clothing.  He looked like he was wearing his best, yet dust and stains marked his pants, shirt, and jacket.  I looked at his hands, one of them shook slightly as it held his can.  I noticed his fingers and they looked worn and tired.  His chin was saggy and covered in white hair.  It looked like his skin would tear if he shaved it off.  His eyes is what I remember most.  They looked like they were full of what-ifs.

I could not look at this man for long because I started to tear up as my mind filled with so many thoughts and emotions.  I began to think about how it must have been to grow up in Lithuania 30, 40, 50 years ago.  I thought about all the war and turmoil this county had seen.  I thought about me being born in the middle of this man's life.  When life was really beginning for this man his country was under a tyrants rule.  He may have even seen Germany be in power when he was a boy. He may have seen his family, friends, neighbors being dragged off to Siberia or other locations.  He may have had no opportunities in life due to when and where he was born.  The thoughts of his filled my heart with grief. I began to wonder how I was so blessed.

My great grandparents went to the US with my grandmother when she was a small girl.  I do not know why they went.  They seemed to have all they needed in Mexico.  They left.  They raised their daughter there.  She in turn married a Mexican man.  They chose to have and raise their family in America.  Many of my Uncles and cousins have served in the military.  My own father served in the Navy.  I then was born and raised in the US. I am so grateful for this.  I think why me?

If my great grandparents had not made the choice to go to the US would I be in some small town?  Would I have married young and had no real opportunity for an education?  Would I be one of those many illegals trying to get into the States?  Would my life be a life of crime as a worker of the drug cartels (they are known in the region where my grandfather is from)?  I do not know.  All I know is my life would not be what it is.  I would not have the family that I have nor the opportunities I have and had because of where I was born.

I wanted to sob when I was on the bus.  If no one was there I would have.  I was overwhelmed with the emotion of gratitude.  I have lived a happy life full of blessings.  I sometimes complain that I do not have XYZ thing here as I did when I was in the US.  I was humbled today that many have nothing nor half of what I have.  The most precious thing I have is my family.  My children are my greatest joy.  I am grateful that I have them. Even on days when I feel like I need a break I still know that I am so blessed.

I have seen so many people who have no one.  There are many old men and women in my neighborhood.  Many of them are shocked when they see all my children.  That they are all mine.  I get asked when do I find time for myself. Or why I have so many.  I have thought about this a lot.  My children are not an accessory or part of my marriage package.  They are my life.  Once you decide to have one child the choice has been made to give up yourself for that child.  The child needs you.  In many ways you need the child.  It is a beautiful bond that can not be experienced any other way.

I am not perfect.  I want time to myself.  They get loud.  I do have moments where I want to leave and go shopping by myself or go see a movie by myself.  I go to the bathroom for a quiet moment even if I do not have to go. I do sometimes stay an extra 10 minutes in the shower because I cannot hear anyone cry. I am a normal person.

I also have moments where I cannot stop hugging them.  I go into their rooms at night to give them another hug or kiss while they sleep.  I sometimes still go in to make sure they are breathing.  I like to play games and build with them.  I love my children.  I really do.  I want them to do more than I have done in this world.  This is what my dad wants for me.  I believe that is what his parents wanted for him.  I am grateful for who I am.  I am me because my dad was who he was/is.  I have what I have because of all those who were before me.  I am grateful for all the sacrifices of those who made my path easier and happier for me.

Kaunas

Yesterday, was Erin's first full day in Lithuania.  We took her over to Kaunas reservoir.  It is like an hour drive away.  We rented a car, I mean bus, so we could all fit in one vehicle.


We named it El Ongo Guapo (the handsome mushroom).  The thing is huge!  One of the down falls of this beast is that we cannot get it to reverse.  More stories about this in a few.

Just another Tuesday

Today was a normal day here.  It started out as a cleaning day.  Yes, I clean.  Today I had help.  My dear friend Krista had a video of her son singing while he cleaned the bathroom.  I thought James could do this.  I had his dad help him, since it was his first time.  He had two chores, clean the bathroom and his room.  This took him all morning, but he did them. I was so happy.  I was able to do a load of laundry, clean the living room, my room, clean the girl's room, and put away laundry.

My house was super clean and I only had to do half the work.  Well a little bit more than half, but help is help.  That makes me happy!

After we were lounging around.  Ate some lunch, took showers, and the kids were playing.  My dear neighbor comes up to tell me her grandson is sleeping.  My kids were not making noise.  Yeah, ok. SO my kids got confined to one room so she would not have a reason to come back up.  They tried their hardest to stay in there and not move, but they are three kids.

We decided, even though it was raining, that we would go to downtown. Adam wanted to see the archives place anyways and I needed to use McDonald's Wifi.  He went to his place and the kids and I shared some fries and ate some ice cream.  What else to do on a rainy day?  Be creative.  After we went looking for used bookstores. Adam is hunting for a book to complete his series he found.  Books here, used ones, are pretty cheap.  A few books that would have cost $45 or something were like 4-10 lt ($1.53-$3.84).  So yeah these are a good find.  So when he says, "Can I get these?"  I must reply, "DUH!"

He did not find any, but the kids got two books for 6 lita ($2.30).  They were happy.  This one bookstore, that we frequent, has the cutest puppy.  Every time he sees the kids he barks.  He wants to eat Nora.  She wants to pet him so bad, but he really wants to pounce her.  I do not know why.  He does not bark until we come.  Last time the owner of the shop had to take the puppy home.  It is kind of funny.  He is a little golden lab or retriever thing.  He is so small.  I do not think he means harm.  He just wants to chase and play with the kids, but a quiet coffee shop/bookstore, not a good idea.

After that we got on a bus and came home.  We were pretty tired.  When you are tired what do you make for dinner? PIZZA!!! Thank you beautiful oven for making it.  We enjoyed every bit.  The kids went to bed really late tonight, but hopefully they will be ready for our full day tomorrow.

What makes tomorrow a full day? IKEA is OPENING!!! You know I am going to the open house.  Why? Two words: Swedish meatballs.  One more thing: free play area for my kids.  I can dream in Ikea land.  So I am going.  Two bus rides will get me there and a short walk.  Later tomorrow night we will be going to a baptism.  It is at 7pm so I think we will be getting home really late.  That is okay because the day after that we get to hang out with Erin!!!!!!! Yeah we are excited.  The kids are way excited!!! They have been praying she would get here safely all week.  Excited!!!!

First Sunday and such

Ever feel like mehhh?

It is if your face (no matter how cute it is) is stuck like this all day?

Your eyes are doing that fluttery weird picture thing?

Well I have been feeling a little like this the last few days.  I am happy here, but so lonely.

I cannot talk to anyone.  I was beginning to have a pity party.

Saturday: It rained.  I was willing to stay home and do nothing, but sleep or let the kids watch TV all day. Something inside me said, Don't let the rain ruin their day (referring to my kids).

I suited us up.  We were about to go on a mini adventure in the woods behind our house.

Little pink riding hood.

Splashing in puddles.  Can't be a kid unless you do this.

Showing her the proper way to make the biggest splash

Eating the cookie Rimante and Rita gave her when we got here.

It is a ginger bread cookie.  The kids loved them.  Who can resist a cookie?

These are a few things we found.

These snails were huge.  The biggest I had ever seen.  Later we made up a story about Giant Snail who lived in the forest of Pink and Purple Princess' and Prince Frogolots castle.  Bedtime stories are fun to tell.

When I saw these snails it made me think of during the war why people ate snails.  These guys were everywhere.  I mean everywhere.  We had to be careful not to squish them.  My kids liked this one because it had a baby snail with it.

Walking on one of the many trails.

Picture of my awesome boots I talked about earlier.

My pink coat.  I will be the bazam of the winter.

Checking out the snails.  They did this every two seconds.  Elizabeth had to touch each one.  She wanted to help them crossed the road and relocate each one.  Nora followed her every move.

The forest from a snails view, plus some.

Walking on the sidewalk. I just loved her little smile.

They were so happy to be out and seeing nature.  This made my sour mood become bright.  I will say that it did not completely change my mood, but made it better.

Than Sunday came.  James got up and dressed himself.  He was ready for church at 8:30.  Church does not start until 2.  We just hung around Sunday morning.  We left for church around 12:45.  I was not sure how long it would take us to get to the bus, and how long it would take us to walk from the stop to the bus.  The bus ended up coming at 1:15.  We had a bit of a wait.  The kids were a little restless.  Do not blame them.

Once on the bus things were smooth sailing until I started to second guess if I was on the right bus, but I was. Phew! We go to our stop.  We have a choice to buy another ticket for a less than two minute ride or walk the mile or so to the church.  I chose to walk.  I wanted to save our money.  It was hot.  I did not bring our water bottles.  The church did not have a water fountain once we got there, but they did have cups and filtered water, which was so good!  When we arrived at the church, Denis, greeted us.  

One of the girls that I served in her area, when I was on my mission, served in Lithuania.  She got in contact with a member via FB.  I was able to make contact with him.  He is in the Russian Branch, but waited to be able to greet us.  When I saw the church I wanted to cry.  Cry for joy.  Something that was familiar to me.

I kept holding the tears back, but I knew I was at home and safe at church.  Even if the language was not the same the Spirit was.  The Elders translated for me, another American family, and an African man (this is going to sound weird, but I was excited to see a black person. There are tons in GA, but at this point he was the first one I had seen. I saw my second one today in central town).

My children for the most part did well.  I only had to leave the sacrament room once.  This is a huge success.  Most of the time I am in and out or just out. They did not have a sunbeam or nursery leader.  My kids doubled the nursery/sunbeam class.  The mother's of these children just stay and in the room while their children play and than decide if they will go to the last class, Relief Society, with their children.

I did not feel to bad for this, at least this time, because there was a million toys.  My kids have a very few because of the amount of weight we could have.  They were in kid heaven.  Nora stayed in there while I went to Relief Society to introduce myself to everyone.  There are two girls who are teaching English for the summer.  They are American.  Almost everyone knows a little English.  They were so sweet.

One our way home we missed the bus.  After a certain time it only comes every two hours.  So we took another one that would not get us to our house, but close where we could catch another bus.  This bus had the sister missionaries.  It was nice to speak in English.  There were these guys were using sigh language back and forth.  One used his phone to type questions to the sisters.  One asked if they were JWs.  They said no and showed them the Book of Mormon.  They wanted to see it.  One of the guys got so involved in looking at it that the sisters could not get his attention to get it back before they left off the bus.  So the book became his.  He was really into it.  Maybe he will read the whole thing?

We had to than walk a ways to get on the next bus.  We found it and I was happy.  We got home at 7:30.  Ate dinner and went to bed without baths.  We were so tired.

Today, I was planning on doing little school with my kids and going on a walk in the woods.  We did like 10 minutes of school and they were done.  I guess I better put more thought into it.  We played at the park and went to look in a few of the goodwill type stores.  There are like a million of those here.  I really had no plans to do anything and than around 2 the kids asked if we could go to the park that was downtown.  I did not want to go downtown with the kids alone, but the adventuress side of me said yes before grumpy me could say no.  Off we went.  We had a great time.

We walked around and never found the park, but we did find some cool buildings.  The kids were a little disappointed.  I just means we will have to go back and look for it again.  

We did find a part of the city that is its own Republic. This was pretty neat to see. I want to take Adam here because he told me about it. I just found it by accident.

*This was an old post I never finished, but I will post it anyways.

Emma's Baptism

I started a post a few days ago, but I was, too, tired to finish. This one will be short.  I am tired once again.
The kids were really excited to go to the baptism an 8 year old girl in our branch, Emma or Emos in Lithuanian. She is a sweet little girl. We left almost 2 hours early.  They were biting at the bits to get there.  I am glad we left early because apparently there are two buses that are labeled Bus 10.  Well Let me correct that statement.

There is a Trolly Bus 10.

There is a Bus 10.

One of these goes to the church and the other goes somewhere else.  

Once I realized that we were going the wrong way.  I tried to get off the bus, but the driver already started to go.  I was at the door any everything trying to get out.  That is the way it is.  I am glad that I am resourceful and did not panic.  We got off at the next stop.  Waited for another bus to drive us back a stop to walk to the right bus.  I just hoped the bus we had gotten on would go in the direction I had hoped.  It did.  It was a bit of a walk to the bus we needed.  There the right bus drove by.  On the weekends the bus is less frequent, but the 10 comes more often than most.  The kids did get restless waiting.  This is a small challenge only because there are three of them and one of me plus a busy road.  For the most part the older two listened, but the smallest of them all has an agenda of her own.  

We finally got on the right bus.  We made it to the church.  I am always so happy to see the church.  It is a home and a refuge to me.  Even if I cannot understand anything, I can feel the Spirit.  I guess that is why I am willing to take the long trip to go there.  That is why I have gone the last two days.  It is the closest as I can come to the temple.  I know they are buildings of different purposes, but the Spirit is strong in both. Before the ceremony began I found Emma. I gave her a white flower and some hair ties.  She loved her flower.  I thought it was really sweet to see her smile.  Her mom was touched as well.

Her mother is the Relief Society President.  She has been very helpful with the children.  They are a handful.  Side note:  I bought these magnetic board cases at a store here. I got them thinking of a way to help my children stay quiet at church.  I brought them with me today and they WORKED!

I love success.  

I loved seeing the love of the two people who gave talks.  They were short and very much tailored to her.  One of the speakers, the girl who got married yesterday, gave Emma a contract.  I was this little yellow paper that said she was making a promise and a covenant today.  She had Emma sign it and told her to keep it always as a reminder.  It was a sweet gesture.  I do not think that would go int he US, but it worked here.

When Emma was baptized I felt a rush of the Spirit cover the room. It was a sweet, familiar, loving feeling.  I know that our Spirit was present.  I was so nice to witness it.  The Elders are teaching a man with a baptismal date next weekend.  He was there today.  He seemed really touched and a bit excited for his own baptism.  It is nice to see someone grow in the gospel.

After the little girl's baptism, the Russian branch had a baptism as well.  It was a grown woman.  I am not sure of the details.  I did not stay for that one.  

The kids and I went to the grocery store next door and got some lunch.  As we left the store I bus drove by, again.  It was ok because now we had 15 minutes to eat. The only down fall was the sky was getting darker.  We had no rain gear, except on umbrella, and I had my suede material shoes on.  Luckily most of the rain hit while we were already on the bus.  I just kept praying in my head the rain would not follow us as we switched bus and than walked up our hill.

Guess what?  The rain stopped moments after we got off the bus.  For the most part we stayed dry.  We were a little wet.  Nothing like we may have been.  I like to think Heavenly Father was watching out for us.  He has been and always will be.  I know it.  

The rest of the day we just played, tried to relax, and Skyped with family.  That was a great part of the day.  I made us dinner.  It was homemade Mac and cheese.  The kids ate it.  They even got seconds, but could not finish because they got so full.  I am so proud I made something they like.  We will be having that for lunch tomorrow. 

BTW, tomorrow we are planning on going to Rita's and Rimante's house.  They are Adam's cousins. Elizabeth is really excited to see Rimante. Elizabeth is almost beside herself.  It is really cute how much she likes her.  BTW, Bebe said she wants to go to Mak's house to play.

Pink in all this gray

A few months ago I started preparing for our trip to Lithuania.  I bought every warm thing possible. Snow boots, jackets, snow pants, gloves, hats, etc.  I am a warm weather girl.  Give me summer any day!

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This will be me, minus the smile, in a few months.  Remember I live on a hill.

*FYI skiing was a form of transportation before it became a sport.

While at Khol's with my wonderful mother-in-law and sisters-in-law I found a coat that was affordable.

I, actually, found two coats that were like $20 bucks each (I love off season stuff).

One gray and one PINK.

Which one did I end up getting?

PINK, duh?

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My coat looks a little like the one show, ok a lot.

I got this coat because to me winter can get so blah and sad. You end up wearing the same top everyday.

No one ever sees what you have under your jacket.  It is, too, cold to take off any of your clothes*.

*personal opinion, I have mine and you have yours.

So now that the back story is all set up for you here is the front story, or whatever it is called.

Today was a rainy day.

I do not like rain.

It means you stay inside all day and do quiet things.  We live on the second floor.

We have wood floors. A few days ago we tried having a dance party (I play music and the kids dance, stomp, hip hop, spin, and do various forms of break dancing) and it was so loud I thought the neighbor downstairs was going to call the police.  The kids rocking out to 1D can get rowdy.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It was raining and my coat can work as a raincoat.  It is water repellent.  I put it on and my fancy striped rain boots (a special woman got me these for my birthday a few years ago), and off I went to the grocery store.  I am trying to shop once a month and get the extras as needed (milk, fruit, etc), we shall see how it goes.

I needed to finish before Mr. Right went off an adventure.  I do not want to brave the hill alone with the stroller and kids unless I am going to church. Seriously, that hill is a beast to climb.

I quickly realized no one really wears rain boots or rain coats. No one really wears bazam PINK, either.  I felt a little like Elle Woods (Legally Blonde) at Harvard.  Her in her pink suit with her pink laptop.  I already stick out with my dark hair, dark eyes, and dark skin.  Everyone in the neighborhood will know that weird American family who has, too, many kids with the lady in her pink coat.  People stare at us all the time.

No one who is walking or riding the bus has a double stroller.  Most people have one kid, MAYBE, two.  I have seen two families with more than 2 kids.  One had twins plus a kid and the other was like ours.  I think it is because people with more than one kid have a car.  By that point they decide a car might be an easier form of transportation.  We are getting very good at getting off and on the bus.  No one has been left behind.

So far I have enjoyed it here.  My cooking is getting better. I made, edible, from scratch french fries and hamburgers.  Best part was EVERYONE ate all their food. I was surprised.  James wanted more, but there were no leftovers.  I owe it all to the internet (Thank you, Al Gore*family joke) and Imim (store, I think that is how you spell it).  This store is AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I say that because it is huge.  No stores here are huge.  The local grocery stores are the size of convenient stores.  I bet the local QT is bigger than some of the local grocery stores.  This store was at a mall called Panorama.  I want to go back.  I found spices of every kind, popcorn, tortillas, good muesli, sliced lunch meat, millions of breads (gooooooood), cheap clothes, makers, and tons of fruits and veggie choices.

I think I am in love with this place.  It is the Costso of Vilnius (more like Walmart, but in this city it is a Costco).  I want to go back and see what they have.  I will go with no children and buy everything.

Only bad thing is it is a bus ride away and than the hill.

source

This is the outside of the building.  It is a nice place.  Built in the 80s.  We are like around the same age.  

FUN FACT:

The Lithuanian government decides when it will turn on the heat for the city.  It is usually when there are 3 days of 0 below in a row.

source

Fun!!!!  Am I looking forward to this?  About as excited as I am to cut my finger on a two edged knife.

BTW, who invented a two edged knife?

Here I was cutting meat (it was frozen, I was thawing it, I have no microwave, enough said) and the knife I was using was double bladed.  It looked like a normal bread knife.  When I use a knife I tend to put one finger on top of the back of the knife for support.  The knife supported a slice into my finger.  I was not happy.  It hurt.  Flesh wounds always hurt the worst.  Boooo on double sided knives.

I guess I have shared enough randomness, but I think I will share one last thing before I go.

I have the coolest kids and the best Heavenly Father ever.  My husband is off for a few days.  I started to cry when he left.  How would you feel if he was your only source of communication (other than google translate, this does not always work.  I asked the lady at the craft store if she had any elastic and I think I asked if she had any condoms, yeah?!?).  So I was crying and my son woke up.  He came over and asked what was wrong.  I said I was sad.  He told me he was the man of the house and he would help me.  He gave me some hugs (this is where Heavenly Father came in to work) and than James began telling me jokes.  Jokes he made up on the spot.  Ones that make you laugh because you have nothing else to do.

Knock, knock. 

Who's there? 

Banana. 

Banana, who?

Banana Hotwheel.

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Orange.

Orange, who?

Orange brains.

We had a good laugh.  Then we went into the kitchen and had some juice and a cookie.  We got to talking about making potions.  He told me all about them.  I asked him how he knew about that.  He smiled and said, "It is all in my head."  That made me smile.  I asked him about love potions and what they did. 

 "If one person drinks it and than the other they fall in love."

So smart.  I than told him about how his dad asked me to marry him and where we were married.  His faced lite up as I told him all the details.  It meant a lot for me to share with him.  It made me love his dad even more. I still miss him, but my face is full of smiles.  I am glad that my children can be my friends.  Even when no one else is around that can talk to me they can.  I can share important stuff about me with them.

I would have never had this opportunity if I had not been willing to spend a few minutes to talk with him with no one else around.  It is a memory I will always cherish.  I hope he does, too.  I am not alone.  God shows me that all the time.  I am glad to be reminded of it to.  I get lost in the everyday that it is nice to slow down and just be sometimes.  Live in the moment, own it, and love it.