Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Tears before the sun shines

I must say it has been a really long time since I blogged.  I think I have kept away because I didn't want to have my real feelings out. I feel like I am in a better place. My hurt and frustration with myself is mostly gone. Some of you maybe like, "What?"

Soon after I had Nora I felt like I needed to have another baby. After much praying and fasting and thought my husband and I were on the same page. The fear of what others would think and how we were going to afford one, etc came to mind, but we knew it was God's will.  I became pregnant soon after.  Once I did the fears and reality of having to tell people was real. I began to brace myself for the thoughts of others forgetting I knew I was to listen to what the Lord wanted for my family.  I had just gotten to the point where I could be ok with being pregnant and that it did not really matter what others thought when I lost my baby.

I didn't realize how much it hurt until I became numb to the world around me. I pretended that everything was alright. I wasn't. I was so alone. Which was ok. I wanted to talk about it, but I also didn't. I was in too much pain. My body hurt. It hurt that I could not stop my body from killing my baby. Had I wished it away? Was I not worthy enough to have it? Had I done something wrong? I was in so much physical pain and mental pain. I could not do anything. I just lied on my bed it the dark holding my 10 month old baby. Half holding her. Half not wanting to be near her. I didn't know who I was anymore. I was so alone. I was so angry. Angry at myself, the world, with God.  I was hurt.

One of the days I was so angry I just started yelling at God. Why did he allow me to get pregnant just to lose my baby. Why did he take it away? I received the most beautiful response. It was like a dream. The feeling was so peaceful and immediate. I have felt this feeling before just a handful of times in my life. I am so blessed to have felt it more than once. I do not wish to share more of this part because it is so sacred to me. I just knew I was going to be ok and that I was not truly alone.

I began to be a little bit better. But not who I used to be. I began to pull away from a lot of things I loved including my children. I started to loose myself in my work and house work. I felt safer there. NO one could hurt me there. I say this because I did open up a few times to people about what happened. I did not want people to pity me nor did I want people to be so openly hurtful.  Sometimes people aren't as sensitive as they need to be. Well maybe I should say as I needed them to be.

There was a woman who I would watch her kids for her while she went to the Dr. She was pregnant and I thought I could share what happened to me with her. First thing she said to me was, "It is because of your age."  Not I am sorry or anything. I was so taken back. I was only 29 years old.  I did my best to not be rude. It took me a long time to talk about it again.  What hurt was people close to me would say something like,  "oh, yeah your miscarriage." This hurt do bad. I know it was not meant to hurt me, but it did. So I chose not to talk about it at all. That pregnancy meant a lot. I know it doesn't make sense because there are parts of it I choose not to share. It is too special for me. I don't want someone to say something that will down play or destroy my feelings and experience.

I have tried to share my story with others just to be cut off and made to feel like a fool for sharing it.  I won't allow it. Sounds dumb, but it hurts to much. I don't want to go back to the dark place I was.  I have come a long way. I was so sick, mentally sick after my lose. For a year I could not get pregnant when before it just happened. I was broken. I could no longer get pregnant. It may seem like I had no patients, but when something happens so naturally and suddenly, "NOTHING!" It was hard for me. That whole year trying to get pregnant was awful. I began to slip further into my world. Trying desperately to be who I was and knowing I could not be her again. I could not talk about it with anyone. When I did I felt so dumb. Why could I not just stop being depressed and enjoy the family I did have? Why was I not more grateful? It was not that easy. I cannot explain why I could not. I wanted to so badly. I wanted it more than anything. I think a part of me wanted to show Heavenly Father that I was going to listen to him and have a baby. If I did it would show I listened. I knew that was not true. I knew he loved me no matter what. It was this illogical part of brain telling me such a stupid thing.

One year later I got pregnant. I was excited, but I didn't want to be. What if I lost it? What if......? I remember I was playing with my kids. I felt and heard a loud pop. I stopped what I was doing when I heard a voice in my head say. "You just lost your baby." I tried not to panic or cry in front of my kids I quickly got up. I started bleeding. I started crying. This time I was prepared for the physical pain. This time I pretended that it did not matter. I was told playing with my kids did not make me loose the baby. I don't know. All I know is what happened and how I felt. I was again truly hurt. I had no time to "care."

The Lord heard my cries and I tried to do what I was supposed to. Two month later I became pregnant again. I was so excited, scared, anxious. We did not tell anybody until I was almost 16 weeks along. I did not want anyone to know. I did not want to explain what happened if I lost this one. I worried about losing him all the way up until he was here. I wanted more than anything to have another little boy. I had waited 3 years for him. I had been hear broken, broken, a mess physically and mentally for 3 years. I never wanted to admit it, but I feel like I finally can. I feel like I need to so I can heal.

My kids lost there mom for 3 years. I don't know how they survived. I was in so much pain. I was so unbalanced. So out of my mind. So not who I wanted to be. I wanted to be the woman I was before I lost my first baby. I was not prepared for it. No one ever is. No one ever should be. It was by far the most foul thing to happen to me so far. The physical and emotional pain was overpowered me. I don't know why, but it did.  When I think about it my grief comes back and I sit and cry. I wonder about my baby. What would our family be like? What would I have been like? What would I be like? Would I be a better mom?

Being a mom is the most beautiful thing I could have done. I miss just being a mom. I hate being a mom who is depressed. I have nothing to be depressed about, right? I have four healthy beautiful children. I love and adore them. But would I be better had I not lost my baby? Why can't I be the mom I was?

I will say that writing this post has helped me heal. Heal the part of me that needed to get this out of me. I will still have days that take me to that dark place I was in. Every time I realize I am there I stop and think of that mom I was before my lose. I want to be her. I may never be able to be her, but I need to get back to being her as close as I can. My children deserve her. I deserve to be her. I want to be just a mom. Mom who sits and plays with her kids. I want to be the mom I never had when I was a little girl.

I remember I just wanted a mom to play with me. I wanted a mom to brush my hair. I wanted a mom to hold me tight and tell me she loved me. I wanted a mom to sing me to sleep. I wanted a mom to love me. I always wondered why mom did not love me enough to stay. I never wanted my children to feel that way. Sometimes I feel like I am like my real mother. Not there for her kids, even though I am right here. I think that has been the hardest thing for me as I struggle with my depression. Being the person I most don't want to be like. I never thought this before. I never realized how much not having a mom as a little girl made me feel. I just always pretended it did not matter. My dad was enough.  I had a childhood unlike most people. That story is for another blog post.

I will say that I have had great women try to fill that void in my life. I have my dad who was a wonderful single father. He went to all my sports activities, taught me to be independent and strong willed, and taught me I could do anything I wanted. He is the reason I love history, photography, art, museums, my Heavenly Father, and the value of hard work.  I had my grandmother who taught me imagination, hard work, laughter, and love. My step-mother or my mom, who I got when I was 14 almost 15. She taught me how it was to court someone. I loved watching her and my dad court each other as they were newly weds. She taught me how to be a girl when I was so used to being a girl dude. Then there is my Aunt Debbie who showed me some great times. She taught me about music and theater. Gram who taught me the love for animals and when to just sit and laugh. My Aunt Deborah taught me love from family. She taught me to craft and be good. My mother-in-law who has taught me friendship, kindness, to be bold, generosity, and love for others. I have been surrounded by great mothers. Some who I wish I could be more like. I know these women and more unnamed have made me the woman I am. I know that I am better because of them.

I also know that time has mended my heart and will continue to do so.  I know I will be who I was and eve better. I know this because I feel it. I know God has not left me alone. Even I the moments when I have doubted him, he is still there. He has never left me. Even though I may struggle I know I will be ok. I am not perfect. I will try to be ok with that =0)

I have been wanting to blog for a while. Well maybe not really blog, but I have been wanting to write down my feelings for a while. I just kept putting it off. I was not ready to. I feel like my heart is mending I can heal. I can move forward. The blocks in my path a being moved. I am grateful that they are. My burden was heavy to carry. I feel like I no longer am carrying it alone. I never had, but I am willing now to share my most inner thoughts and it feels so good to get it out. I feel free. Free feels good.

1 comment:

Sparcam said...

I love you. Just want you to know that.